Our Stories
Anthony Joe
Our son, Anthony Joe, was stillborn on the 6th of December 2022, at 35 weeks. Anthony was a longed-for baby, and long-awaited sibling to our 6-year-old daughter Bianca. After being diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility when Bianca was 3, we embarked on the IVF journey. Dealing with infertility was extremely hard, and the constant disappointment which spanned over 2 years was soul destroying. We felt pain seeing everyone’s families grow, and wishing that for our family. I didn’t speak much about my IVF experience as I just wanted to get through it, and knew that once I had my baby in my arms, I would heal from what I went through. When my husband Rocky and I got the news to say I was finally pregnant, we were elated. We both left work and met for a beautiful lunch together, finally we felt hope.
My pregnancy was high risk as I am a type 1 diabetic- have been since childhood- but as I had already experienced pregnancy and birth with my daughter, I was feeling more confident about my diabetes control. My pregnancy was going well with no concerns. From about 20 weeks, I started to grow a really huge belly and the further I went along, the more painful this became. I had taken myself to hospital at 32 weeks because of this pain, was monitored for hours and was told baby was all okay- it was nerve pain from my growing belly. My OB had originally scheduled my c-section for 37 weeks, but due to my pain, he moved my surgery forward 2 weeks. I had steroid injections before leaving his office as we knew baby would come early, and I was all booked in for surgery for the following week.
Over the next few days, I experience more of the severe pain but thought “I just need to make it through to Wednesday”. During the night on Monday, I woke with severe pain and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I also hadn’t felt the baby move in a while- so I called the midwife. She told me to go down to the hospital just to be sure all was okay. My husband was asleep in the spare room as I had too much pain to sleep with him, so I wrote him a note to say that I was just going down to the hospital for reassurance and I would be back to take Bianca to school. When I arrived, the midwife tried for some time looking for baby’s heartbeat, and told me she was having trouble finding it so she would call the OB. I wasn’t worried- I had told myself all would be okay.
When the OB arrived 10 minutes later and put the monitor on, he didn’t need to say anything. I could tell from the look in his eyes what had happened. That look haunted me for months. Writing it now makes my whole body tremble. The midwife held my hands while I sobbed- I wasn’t hysterical, I was just crying profusely and I said to her repeatedly “this can’t happen to my daughter, this can’t happen to my daughter”. She just kept holding me and looking into my eyes. She didn’t have words. When Rocky arrived to the hospital he was frantic, at this stage it was now 4am. The midwife and OB asked me if I wanted them to tell him what happened, but I told them that I would do it. Telling Rocky we had lost our baby was the second worst thing I had to do- I don’t have words to explain it.
Because I was still experiencing the severe pain, the OB took me into surgery almost straight away, by this stage it was about 6am. When the anaesthetist arrived, her first question was if I would like to be put to sleep for the surgery- I said yes. I never received a bill from her. Rocky wasn’t in a state to support me emotionally, we hadn’t even had an hour to process what had happened, so I felt it was a saving grace not to be awake. When I was up from surgery, I was groggy and felt terrible, but had Rocky beside me. When we went back to the hospital room, one of the midwives walked in and said to us “I’ve been spending time with your son” – that was when we learnt we had a baby boy.
The days in hospital were hellish. A trauma I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Everyone was kind, but it was an impossible situation to “get right”. I don’t know if I can describe the feeling when we first saw Anthony- perhaps it was disbelief. This just couldn’t be real. Here was this perfect little chubby baby, looking just like his sister did when she was a born. How can he be gone?
The priest from our daughter’s school came to the hospital to complete Anthony’ blessing, and he returned the next day to support us in telling Bianca what had happened- the worst thing I’ve ever had to do. Bianca came skipping into the hospital room, so happy to see me as we are never away from each other. I told her that our baby’s heart wasn’t strong and he went to heaven. She sobbed. “So I’m not getting my baby” she said, “no darling you’re not”. As I cried, Bianca hugged me and said “it’s okay mum, it’s okay”. I was thankful to have the priest there as we prayed with him for Anthony and this gave Bianca some comfort. Religion gives answers to children for the things we don’t have answers for, and for this I am grateful. My faith isn’t rich, but it has grown.
Rocky didn’t sleep with me at the hospital because I wanted him at home for Bianca, so he stayed with her along with my mum, and my amazing sisters took turns staying overnight with me. My sisters gave me the emotional support and practical support that I needed. Eating was the last thing I felt like doing, but when you’re a diabetic you have no choice but to do those things. My endocrinologist came to see me to help me adjust my insulin so I wouldn’t have low sugars overnight- diabetes doesn’t stop for anything even the death of your baby.
We didn’t know it at the time, but we were fortunate to have a cuddle cot so Anthony was at the hospital for 4 days until he left for his autopsy. The morning we said goodbye to him was so hard, but also special. We never got answers as to why he died, both Anthony and my placenta were “perfectly healthy”.
The fog didn’t lift for at least 3 months, and then reality really set in. It took another few months after that to start to breathe again. I would have never imagined that baby loss impacts every single thing in your life, even having a shower isn’t the same. You look at your body differently. You look at your face differently. People talk about getting through the “firsts”, the first Easter, Mother’s day etc. but it’s not just those things. It is the first walk to the letterbox, the first trip to the supermarket, the first phone call to make an appointment – literally everything is terrifying when you lose your baby. Even now, those simple things don’t feel like they use to. Sometimes I feel invisible, because the world can’t see my baby, how can they really see me?
It has now been 9 months since we lost our baby boy, we miss him in every moment, and do our very best to include him in our every day- we are very much a family of 4. Bianca talks about her brother every single day, “he is always with us mum” she says. I have given myself the time and space to grieve for my son, and that has allowed me to speak about him and keep his memory alive, never would I want to live in a world where people would act like he didn’t exist or that his life meant little. His life means everything. Although we are still in the early stages of grief, I do want to give hope to other families and say that with time you can achieve so much more than you ever think you could. When I first lost Anthony, I didn’t think I could go back to work as a Social Worker and support vulnerable families, but I did go back- and I love my job.
I don’t think there are any lessons to learn when you lose your child but one thing you will see is the love that people have for you, and the good in this world. This kindness can come from complete strangers or people you’ve known for years. These people are the light in the darkness. Some will disappoint you but they aren’t the people you need in your life, especially as your grief journey lasts forever. I will share a quote that resonates with me so much, “Losing your baby demolishes you- it shatters your heart into a million pieces but it also cracks it wide open to a life of a more heartfelt existence- a real, raw authentic life too deep for those still swimming in the shallow end” - Gracie’s mum.
Maria, Anthony Joe and Bianca’s mum.
