Our Stories
Hudson McGurk
What I had always wanted most, my entire life, was a baby. To be a mother.
I had always said if I got to 30 and hadn’t found ‘the one’ I would choose to have a child on my own. As much as I would love the typical ‘family’ I wanted the baby more than than anything. When I was 28 I thought ‘why am I waiting? I’m ready, why waste more time just waiting. Within 2 months I was pregnant using a donor through a fertility clinic.
I had the ‘picture perfect’ pregnancy. From seeing a healthy heartbeat at 7 weeks, to a low risk NIPT test at 10. Finding out I was having a little boy. A healthy 20 week morphology scan (although a cheeky baby that didn’t cooperate resulting in a 3 hour scan!) the rest of the pregnancy went by with no complications or concerns.
I was so passionate about pregnancy, labour and birth. So I was even more excited to be accepted into the MGP program, having one midwife my entire pregnancy. It made the experience even more special, having that bond with the person who would be at my babies birth. I had specific wishes I wanted for labour and birth, but also educated myself so that I was prepared no matter what. You can’t predict birth, things change and I knew that. But I had so much trust in my Midwife that I felt safe no matter what.
I went into spontaneous labour at 39+5 weeks. My best friend had arrived from interstate the night before as part of my birth team. My Midwife was on call. It was even my best friends 30th birthday that day! Baby knew it was the perfect time.
I spent the day with my two best friends, walking around a lake near by and going out to lunch. After my water breaking, I was sent to the hospital for a check as there was meconium in it. Not a big deal, we excitedly headed in.
Although I was disappointed it meant I couldn’t have a water birth, I made use of the shower and let my body do its thing. My body was incredible, progressing quickly. My friends were there waiting patiently, feeling a bit like they weren’t needed as I went into my own little bubble.
I felt like I was prepared for anything. Never in my worst nightmares could I have prepared for what was to come. In a second everything changed. As music played, lights were off, candles kept the atmosphere calm in the bathroom and my midwife was putting up fairy lights in the rest of the room my babies heart-rate suddenly drastically dropped. It never came back up.
Everything happened so quickly. A code was called and I was rushed for an emergency c section under GA. Instead of the calm beautiful environment I had wanted so badly for my baby to be born into, he was born into chaos. On the 14th of June 2022, Hudson was born at 7:45pm. Without me and not breathing.
It was an absolute miracle that doctors were able to get him breathing again. My sweet little baby went through so much in the first 20 minutes of life. But he was still very sick.
Over the next five days I was told things that no mother should ever have to hear. My baby had suffered catastrophic irreversible brain damage due to lack of oxygen and he was not going to survive.
I wasn’t able to hold him due to treatments they were doing to try and prevent more brain damage.
I had to make decisions on what measures I wanted doctors to take if he was to arrest, whether I wanted an autopsy done to try find answers as to what happened. All while he was still alive but knowing time was running out.
I knew I didn’t want this life for him. How could I possibly give permission to let him go? But how could I make
him stay just because I was to scared to live without him?
All I wanted was to hold him. My best chance at getting as much time as possible to have him in my arms was if I made the decision on my terms, not waiting until he couldn’t hold on any longer. I chose to have one night with him.
Being a solo mum I knew while I was pregnant that I would have so many people around when my baby was first born to help. But I was so excited for the first night I would have with just me and him.
I still wanted that night together.
Close family came during the day to say goodbye to Hudson. Our beautiful midwife, who had been there every day on the phone for support, came to the hospital to see him.
Then by the evening it was just me, my two best friends who had been there every single second and their partners. The four closest people to me. They planned to stay all night, even if they weren’t all allowed in the room with me. They set up camp in a little waiting room just outside the NICU.
We had the most incredible nurse with us. She cleared off all the wires that covered my tiny little baby. We were moved to a private room and she immediately said ‘alright, get your clothes off!’ Knowing I desperately wanted skin to skin with him. Nothing like labour, birth and trauma to make you not give a shit about being naked in front of others!
The moment my baby was finally placed on my chest, I can’t even begin to describe it. Finally getting to hold him, the moment I’d dreamed off from the second I saw those 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test. It wasn’t anything like it was supposed to be. But it meant everything. It was so incredibly close to me waking up after surgery the night he was born to a baby that had already passed away. Those five days and that last night meant absolutely everything to me. Those memories. The photos and videos I have. Holding a warm living breathing baby.
When Hudson was first placed on me he was grey, his oxygen levels were dropping and his heart rate was slowing. The nurse let me know he may slip away on his own but the machine would keep breathing for him. But incredibly when she came to check on us a little later he was pink, he was breathing a bit on his own over the ventilator and his heart rate had picked up again. All he needed was me. All I needed was him. We healed each other.
All four of my friends were allowed to stay with me. I thought it would be full of anxiety and sadness, knowing what was coming. But it wasn’t. We had the most beautiful night together. We laughed, so much. There was so much joy and love in that room. We ate, we napped, we made memories. We listened to Hudson’s song and read him the book I’d read to him each night while I was pregnant.
Hudson told me when it was time. It was the hardest thing I’d ever have to do, give permission for his breathing support to be taken out. Knowing there was no going back. I just held him so tight and repeatedly told him it was okay to go. I still don’t know if I said it out loud or in my head. But I kept repeating it.
Hudson took his last breaths surrounded by so much love. All he ever knew was love.
The day Hudson died my soul shattered in a way I never thought possible. I am broken. I’m a completely different person to who I was that morning I first woke up in labour. What was supposed to be the best day of my life turned into a nightmare I’d never wake up from. It’s another layer of grief to come to terms with. My entire world changed.
But I also made the most perfect little human. I’m Hudson’s Mumma. I’d do it all again to know him. My little wish come true.
