Our Stories
Milly Sophia Agenbag
I had what you'd say was a very easy, relaxed and calm pregnancy. Being my 4th baby I feel like everything and everyone (including myself) were laid back and relaxed. 'I've had 3 previous children' so everything is good! And it was, everything was great actually... until it wasn't.
At 35+3 weeks I had noticed when I went to bed that Milly was very busy! Way busier than what I'd noticed before, I honestly thought nothing of it, and I loved watching and feeling her movements! The next day had come around, I was 35+4 weeks and about 1pm I'd noticed that maybe Milly hadn't moved much today, or I was just to busy in the morning to notice? I laid down for an hour and tried to get her to move and I still nothing. I went and got my eldest child from school, quickly gave them a bath, rang the midwives and mentioned I'd been having reduced movements and I'll be coming in soon to be monitored. I took my boys to Nan's house and ventured off alone to the maternity ward oblivious of what was about to happen, along with the text message to my husband who works fifo (that he didn't even receive as he was still working) 'oh just going to check on baby girl, she's been quiet today'
I had been taken straight through to the birthing suite and attached to a ctg where the midwife wasn't finding anything, she went and got a Doppler and tried for about 30 minutes to see if she'd find Milly's heart beat, mine was really fast so she was trying to see if it was mine she was hearing or the babies, she said she's going to have to call the doctor in to get his opinion, he called for a bedside ultrasound straight away and that's when I knew (I already knew deep down, before even arriving at the hospital. But I wanted to be wrong) I covered my face and just bawled my eyes out as he showed me the screen, I saw her little heart but it wasn't flickering like I'd seen before.
I broke into a million pieces as he said 'I'm so sorry Taylor, but your baby has no heartbeat' the midwife comforted me as I was alone, and I called for my mum soon after, still trying to get ahold of my husband who works underground and felt impossible to make contact. Eventually did, and it was probably the hardest thing I've ever done, telling him that his sweet little girl he's longed for is no longer alive. My husband had to drive 4 hours home with that heavy news playing on his mind. Heartbreaking! It still haunts me to this day.
We were sent home for the night and asked to come back in the morning for a formal ultrasound and to start the induction process, how do you even go home? knowing that your baby is no longer alive. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, didn't even want to think. The following morning we went in for the formal ultrasound just to confirm one more time that our child had in fact died, and soon after the induction process started. It was long, it felt like torture, my body didn't actually even go into labour, there was no forcing me, nothing worked and off I went for my 1st caesarean, which if I'm honest was a really beautiful experience.
I was 35+6 at this point, and on the 9.9.22 at 7:47pm Milly Sophia Agenbag, weighing 6 pound 1 ounce, made her entrance into the world. She was placed in my arms by the most beautiful Midwife I've ever come across, Skye.
Those moments after having Milly placed on my chest, the whole room felt like it had stopped. I was at peace, I was so calm. She was the most beautiful little girl I'd ever met! She got to have cuddles with her daddy and she was shown so much love by everyone around her!
The next few days were hard, having my 3 boys meet their sister, they were just so in love with her, through to making decisions we never thought we'd ever have to. Do we do an autopsy, should she be cremated, a funeral.. how many days should we spend in hospital with our girl? Decisions I wish I never had to make. Milly was a very loved little girl, we had all our close family come meet her, everyone was so smitten, as well as heartbroken alongside us.
We spent a few days in hospital soaking in our girl. She had gorgeous little features and a head full of dark hair. She was dressed in the most sweet little pink onesie with a ruffle bum and matching headband (Most of Milly's closet was Tutus, and PINK!) spending time with all of our 4 children before we had to let Milly go, we had a photographer come in and capture some memories, we got hand prints, foot prints, little locks of her beautiful dark hair. So so bittersweet, all of it.
We were shown so much love and support by doctors, midwives (did I mention Skye.. I know I have but she seriously saved us through this whole situation. She's now someone so important in our lives and have built a beautiful friendship), our family, friends and everyone in our little community. They seriously helped us through it all so much, all the cards, flowers, food and all the messages of support helped us so much in the first few weeks.
Baby loss is something I never thought I'd have to go through, ever. So to have to go through it firsthand was just so shit. It's horrible, it's not fair, I wish no one ever had to go through this type of pain, ever! Every time my boys see a rainbow they are so excited, saying 'Milly is making us rainbows mummy!' And when it sprinkles with Rain my middle child says 'mummy is this Milly crying because she misses us' it breaks my heart, but it really fills me with so much love that my sweet boys always think of their sister. How their little minds wonder about the way the world works. Milly Sophia my sweet girl, you are loved, you'll always be loved and I hope all you ever feel is love🤍
Taylor & Trevor, Milly's parents
