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A Guide to Surviving Pal

Pregnancy after loss is as much a time of healing as it is re-traumatising a grieving mind and body.  Finding yourself pregnant after you have experienced the death of a baby is a deeply challenging place to be. 

Here you are with this blessing growing within you. Yet there is something that may creep in and make you be wary of telling people, it may cut your laugh short, it may fade a smile quicker than usual. It may cause you to brace yourself before every medical appointment, it may make you divert the conversation if it becomes too focused on your current pregnancy. 

Your experience of child loss is ever-present in your mind, it shifts your perception for every moment moving forward. This is especially poignant when you are Pregnant after Loss (PAL).

Essentially loss strips away any naivety and innocence you have about pregnancy, never to return. With a loss so complex and deep, being in the same situation is a real challenge.  You will feel lost, you will feel alone, you will feel engulfed with anxiety. PAL is a raging uncontrolled beast.

Day by day

Hour by hour

Minute by minute

Some days it can feel like all of these. The pain of your baby’s death is with your forever. It’s hard to comprehend how you survived and you’re beyond terrified to experience that pain again. 

The mental load is formidable, and from all directions. If you have good supports around you, it's wonderful to be able to disperse that load and seek the help and support you need. 

Pregnancy after loss will challenge you in ways you won’t see coming, and in ways you will. There is no right or wrong way to cope. Here are a few things you, and the people in your support network can do to help.

We see you mum, here are some suggestions for you:

Firstly, you are amazing.

Bring support to your check ups and scans. Go to the hospital, call the midwife, call the helpline, cry over coffee with friends, go to the support groups, see your psychologist, go to counselling. By this I mean if you feel anything is amiss with baby or with yourself, you are not a bother, a burden, or crazy to express your emotions, your anxiety, your concerns, your stress. If you don’t feel right, go to the hospital and get it checked out, if you need support and advice, call a bereavement support line.

Every milestone is going to hurt. And sometimes anticipating the milestone will be even worse than the actual event or day.

Talk to other parents who understand.

You can hold onto as much of the pregnancy as you want. When you are pregnant again those around you will want to know everything, every step of the way. Remember this is you and your pregnancy, your baby; you can disclose as much or as little as you wish. You may wish to know gender and not disclose, you may hold off telling people of the pregnancy until you are ready.

If you are able, have a routine, try and stick with it or adapt it to suit.

Self-care, self-care, self-care. Your mind, body and spirit are going through a lot of changes right now, changing and rearranging all that you thought you knew. Take time to let this happen, note those new perception, the new view. Leaning into emotions can help with emotional healing.

Ask questions of your medical team.

It’s ok to want the baby, but not the pregnancy.

Journal your pregnancy. It’s a helpful way to verbalise all the internal thoughts you are having and putting them in a safe space and not holding onto them in your mind.

Look up sites online and find information that resonates with you. We are all individual and finding what resonates with you and your experience of loss and pregnancy after loss will be a safe space for you.

Take your time, you’re not on anyone else clock.

And now, tips for support people:

Bringing up the baby that has passed will not cause more sadness – the emotions around a baby’s death are ever present. You bringing them up will not add to the load, yes it may cause the parent to breathe into that sadness when they speak about it, but you are not “adding’ to it. The situation is deeply tragic and many parents may be grateful to speak with open emotions about how they are coping in this pregnancy.

Don’t tell the parent they aren't coping correctly. Every person is individual, and each person comes with their own set of learnt and developed coping mechanisms. Often this will also be the first time they have been called to cope with something so deeply traumatic. They are learning so much about themselves. Loss changes your vision, changes your perception of the world, and parents are allowed to cope in ways that they see most appropriate*. Healthy grieving may look unusual from an outside perspective.

Supporting someone going through PAL can bring up your own emotions and fears, call a support line yourself if you need to talk through your own emotions or challenges and get further information about how to help your PAL mum in your specific situation.

You can cry and grieve with your PAL parent. Be mindful to not overshadow their grieving with your own, take your own grieving to your support person or a counselling line.

Create a book or journal for the parent. Trauma responds to soft shapes and words, fill the book with beautiful images of landscapes, architecture, affirmations or artwork.

If you feel a place of support would benefit, gently introduce the information in a way that gives power to the parent to follow through or not. Don’t presume that a parent is ready for all types of support. For example some mums-to-be find PAL group chats helpful, yet some may some find it a place that contributes to their anxiety.

Remember that every happy moment is also a sad moment. This could be getting a genetic all clear, hearing the first cry at birth or even when baby is safely home, don’t assume that the anxiety fades. Depending on the type of loss experience, it may escalate during birth and newborn stages.

Nothing positive ever begins with “At least…”

Don’t put your emotions onto the parents.

Be there, be open, be safe. Hold a non-judgemental space for mum or dad to off load when they need to.

These are just few suggestions that can help, the list could be exhaustive but the main take away is to lead with compassion in your interactions with your PAL parent. If you are able to keep this front of mind you’re on the right path.

We see you and hold space for you as you move through this experience. You are strong, we know that, you are brave, even though you probably don’t feel it. This experience becomes part of your story, being PAL is a continuation of the story with an unknown ending. That is scary, it can be beautiful too. It will most likely be both at the same time.

With love, Till

*(If you feel those behaviours are threatening, or life threatening, call Lifeline for crisis advice.)

By Till Heike, bereaved mum & red nose community engagement coordinator