Our Stories
Rosie Liliane Wyers
My partner and I were discussing whether we should have a third baby and to my surprise I was already pregnant. This was my idea of perfection. I never felt 'done' after 2 and I always wanted them close in age. At that time my boys were 8 months and 2. The pregnancy was a bit more complicated than my first two. I had a massive bleed at 8weeks due to a subchorionic haematoma. This clot was big and hung around until 19 weeks then reabsorbed. We found out this bub was a girl and were so excited to give our boys a little sister.
On the 6th may 2022 my waters broke at 29weeks, likely caused by the haematoma weakening my membranes. I was transferred to the women's hospital in Sydney as I was likely to go into labour. The medical team explained what would happen when she arrived. She would need time in NICU but had 99% chance survival rate at that gestation.
If I made 34 weeks they would induce me. Not once was there a mention of risk of stillbirth, it was just how premature she would be. I was hospitalised for 2.5 weeks with no signs of labour or infection so they decided I could do outpatient care. The night before my discharge I felt her kicking so much and had a peaceful feeling of I've got this, I'm ready to meet you. Never did I imagine I'd never get to see her take a breath.
The next morning at 32 weeks and 2 days, they were getting ready to discharge me and I asked the doctor to check her because she hadn't moved as much that morning. She did a bedside ultrasound and said the words you never want to hear. I was so completely blind sighted. Never did I think this was a possibility. I felt safe being in hospital, daily ctgs, regular scans because I was in hospital everything was perfect until suddenly it wasn't.
It really messed with my intuition. I still feel like I can't trust my instinct. Turns out it was a freak cord accident, there's nothing I could have done to prevent it. Her placenta had a velamentous cord insertion, no fluid and small placenta all may have contributed to it.
On the 24th May 2022 Rosie Liliane Wyers entered our world silently. I had two emergency c sections with my boys. Rosie's was a natural birth. I found the pain was a distraction from reality and actually felt sorry for my partner and sister that they weren't in labour.
Rosie was perfect, she looked almost identical to my oldest son. She was exactly how I imagined our baby girl to look. Only loss parents would understand the feeling of having those moments with your baby. You want time and the world to stop but it can't so eventually you have to say the hardest goodbye of your life.
The next weeks and months are an emotional roller-coaster of shock and grief while trying to mother and parent my living children and learn how to mother an angel. We had a lot of support but ultimately it's a forever heartbreak and nothing anyone can do or say will 'fix' it.
We never went back on birth control as I knew I couldn't end my child bearing years like that. I needed another living baby not to replace her but to bring some happiness and joy into our lives. In August 2022, 2.5 months after we lost Rosie I found out I was pregnant with our rainbow. Pregnancy after loss is so bloody hard. It's a marathon that your head will never let you see an end to. Not once would I let myself believe I might actually get to bring this baby home.
Never had I experienced anxiety like it. I felt like the next 9months were a blur of fear, anxiety and grief. This pregnancy mimicked Rosie's with a massive bleed at 14weeks due to another haematoma. That messed with my head because now I was at risk of my waters breaking again.
My recommendation for anyone going through PAL is to find a team that supports you. The team that looked after me when I was admitted with Rosie took over my care in my PAL pregnancy. Along with my amazing social worker they really supported me. There were countless counselling sessions, scans fornightly to weekly and I knew I could get checked as often as I needed.
After my loss, I lost faith in myself and the scans. They can only show so much so I felt like I held my breath for the entire time. Not much would give me reassurance for long. I kept thinking it would get easier, but the further along I got I think it got worse as I just wanted the baby out where I knew he would be ok. We agreed that a planned c section at 38 weeks would be best. I didn't want to be pregnant a day longer, I was just so scared of losing this baby too.
In between all this there were all those hard milestones with Rosie. The babies born that were due around her. Birthdays, Christmas and all those times where the pain just hits you even harder. Starting back at work was difficult. I work as a nurse in a large ICU so every shift I would have about five people ask how my baby was. Once I was showing with my next bub you get all the extra unwanted comments.
Grief is a whole new world I never understood before losing Rosie. It can rob you of so much, but then you can also miss it when it's lighter because it's your connection to them. For us our boys are our saviours, they keep us going no matter how rough it gets.
On the 6th April I made it to my planned c section. Even going in there I still felt like something could go wrong. Once I heard his cry I felt like I could breathe for the first time in 11months. Our faces changed like the weight of the world had been lifted. He looks so much like Rosie and is the most special, adored little guy. We called him Eli which means 'from above' a tribute to Rosie as I have no doubt he was sent to us from her.
He has brought so much happiness into our lives. There's nothing like the newborn bubble with a rainbow baby. Parenting after loss changes you. Every moment is cherished. I'm still navigating people's comments, having 3 boys automatically gets people saying things like 4th time lucky, or are you going to try for a girl. Even people just asking how many kids you have can be very triggering.
The grief hasn't changed, it’s been 15 months and still feels so raw. Including her in our day to day life helps. Our boys are such amazing big brothers to her. We say goodnight to her in the stars every night before bed. Whenever we see a butterfly or rainbow they get excited because Rosie sent it. They always say they are one of 4 kids and will correct anyone who doesn’t include her. If I can keep her memory alive, I feel like I'm doing a good job of being Rosie's mum.
Rachel, Rosie’s Mum
