Our Stories

Sabine Elise

The first 20 weeks and 5 days of my first ever pregnancy were textbook. I had some exhaustion and nausea, but nothing extreme. At 10 weeks we had a low risk NIPT result and found out we were having a girl. At the 13 week ultrasound we were told she was perfect. We lived in blissful ignorance and started preparing our lives and our home for the arrival of our daughter.

Then, at the end my anatomy scan the doctor put down the ultrasound wand, put her hand on my leg and said 'now, there are a couple of things I'm worried about with your bub'. Even now, almost 2 years on, I remember that moment vividly. Everything else she said was and is a total blur, but the feeling of my world coming crashing down around me is still as fresh as ever.

After 6 weeks in a hellish limbo of uncertainty waiting on various tests and scans, we finally got a prognosis. During the waiting we worried that the diagnosis wouldn’t be clear. That maybe they’d tell us there was a 50% chance she could lead a ‘normal’ life and we’d have to gamble with that. But after all the results were in, they were very clear.

The abnormalities in our baby's brain meant she was unlikely to survive long after birth. If she lived, she would never walk or talk. She'd need a feeding tube for her whole life, she'd have chronic seizures and she'd require brain surgery in her first few months. There were no potential outcome where she wouldn't suffer, or where she'd enjoy any quality of life. We couldn’t bring her in to the world knowing that’s how she had to live. It wasn’t fair on her. Or us.

Technically TFMR is a decision parents make, but for me it never felt like a choice. When the alternative for your baby is a short lifetime of suffering, there’s no other option. Parenting is full of hard decisions and I know that we made the ultimate sacrifice to spare our daughter any pain. And truth be told I would do it all again a thousand times over to protect her.

Giving birth to a baby who is already gone is really complex, and I wasn't totally sure how I'd feel heading in to the hospital. But in the end her birth was magical and being able to fully witness her will never be a sad part of the story for me. After a relatively short induced labour she was born in the shower, caught by the midwife and handed to me. And there she was, beautifully tiny and peaceful.

Physically it was instant relief and emotionally I have never felt so euphorically at peace or in love. In that moment it wasn’t tragic or sad. She was my daughter and she was absolutely perfect. Sabine Elise, stillborn at 10:08pm on 20/11/21.

We moved to the bed and I just beamed down at my sweet girl in my hands. ‘She’s so cute!’, I gushed to everyone. ‘She has my dark hair!’. I laid on the bed with her on my chest, closed my eyes and took a mental note to never forget that feeling. The feeling of unconditional, all encompassing love and absolute serenity.

We spent time with Sabine in the hospital, holding her, kissing her, taking photos. We marveled at her cute little nose and her funny long toes. We took turns holding her and just taking her in. And then it got to the point where we had to leave or we thought we never could, and we said that hardest, final goodbye.

There's a Zoe Clark-Coates quote that really resonates with me: 'Your time on earth was brief, and the chapter detailing your existence seems so small in the story of my life. But you were the plot changer. The colour giver. The character builder.

The joy bringer. Once you were created no page was ever the same again.'

That's exactly what Sabine was. Her very existence changed my entire being. Every interaction, decision, thought, emotion has an entirely different meaning and perspective since her. She opened me up to real love, loss and life. And her presence and memory is enduring and changing, and that will continue forever.

As we get closer to Sabine's second birthday I wonder what she would be like if she were here and healthy. I long to know what her laugh would sound like and I wonder what colour her eyes would be. I wonder who I would be too. Our physical time with Sabine feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once, but the love she brought feels as fresh as ever and I think it always will.

@elise_lol