Our Stories
Owen,, Marvin and Louie
1st Pregnancy, 2019
I was 29 and my husband was 38 when we started trying for a baby. We got pregnant after one month in late July 2019 of actively trying (tracking my cycle and being conscious of ovulation). Unfortunately at 7 weeks pregnant it was discovered that it was a blighted ovum and I miscarried on 5th October. I knew miscarriage was a thing for young, healthy people and not person specific because of the 1 in 4 statistics because my younger sister at just 22 years old had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks.
2nd Pregnancy, 2020
I had some other major family changes and health problems with my Dad that was life changing for him, my siblings and I, but in January 2020 I fell pregnant again after actively trying for 3 months following the miscarriage. Because of my miscarriage I was really guarded emotionally. I didn't talk to or rub my belly (although it was not much of a bump) until I was 7 months along, we didn't "Facebook announce" until 21 weeks and I was constantly thinking about the possibility of miscarriage and stillborn throughout. There was success though, I gave birth vaginally to my first healthy son, Wesley, on 2nd October 2020 at 40 weeks and 1 day. I was induced due to growth restriction but the time was right anyway. Breastfeeding was painful in the beginning but both Wesley and I got the hang of it quickly. I even went on to donate 5L to the Milk Bank for NICU babies and also >15L to mums through a Facebook group.
3rd Pregnancy, 2022
My Dad lost his battle to brain cancer and my husband was away in Airforce recruit training for 6 months, but after my husband came back and we got the hang of us both being at home together, we started "casually trying" for a second baby in January 2022. "Casually trying" as in we didn't use protection but weren't fussed about "fun time" in ovulation windows, we were just having a good time.
By early April I was pregnant, so I 100% breastfeeding weened my son Wesley who was about 1.5 years old and was a little more confident this time, but we still didn't want to Facebook announce until after 20 weeks. Everything was going well until the morphology scan where abnormalities were significant for my second son (yes a second boy, which made me excited to reuse all the clothes in vacuum bags). Baby Owen, my heart breaks just thinking about this time in our lives. He was so wanted and we were done after him, he was going to complete out family. Owen had the highest grade of syndactyly in his hands and feet, as well as major skull bone fusing which was causing problems for his ability to see, hear, breathe and learn after birth. We made the worst decision any parent would have to make and it was to end my pregnancy; termination for medical reason (TFMR).
I birthed him vaginally on 10th September 2022, with very caring bereavement midwives in a bereavement birth suite after a very fast, painful labor induced by mifepristone and misoprostol. But the silence of my sweet sleeping baby Owen will always hurt the most. He was really obviously different to look at, but both my husband and I spoke about how much we would have done for him if quality of life was possible. I healed physically very quickly after Owen and my GP and midwives had said we are welcome to try again because of what happened to Owen was very rare and not likely to be because of our own genetics.
Lets just note here that Intra Pregnancy Interval wasn't something I thought about at all at this point. I was desperate to have a baby immediately after birthing Owen, but I was so very depressed. The swirling of post birth hormones, but with no baby to hold and feed drove me into the depths of sadness. I laid in bed or on the couch, eating and drinking very little until November.
4th Pregnancy, 2023
By December I was pregnant again. My morning sickness went rampant from 5/6 weeks and at 8 weeks at the dating scan I found out for good reason, I was pregnant with twins! My right ovary had ovulated twice, so a set of fraternal twins were brewing. It was a high risk pregnancy due to them being twins and with that I have more midwife appointments and more scans. Everything was going well, both babies kept growing larger than the average for gestation and we got to see some very clear perfectly formed fingers and toes from scans 13 weeks onwards, which settled the nerves given Owen's problems.
But it crumbled hard and fast in just 3 days due to painless preterm labor at 23 weeks. I was fully dilated with only Braxton Hicks type random tightenings and was only prompted to go to the hospital because of the smallest bit of spotting. The first twin, Louie, had a heart rate drop during birth suite CTG tracing which lead to emergency c section for both twins. My husband and I had already decided that we opted for NICU care but understood being at the very start of viability at 23 weeks, they only had a 50/50 chance of survival and often would have developmental problems and physical limitations, but we wanted to give them a shot because they were both so healthy.
Baby Louie born 3:55pm 21st May 2023 only lived for 15 mins after all the effort by the NICU head physician to resuscitate him following birth. Baby Marvin born at 3:56pm was resuscitated successfully and taken to NICU. Unfortunately on the 23rd May (2 days after delivery) Marvin had a severe brain and lung bleed in NICU, which is common and critical for babies born so early, and that day we switch to comfort care for our boy. Both my husband and I got to hold and cuddle him on our chests for hours before he took his last breaths on my chest. I held him and his twin brother in my arms and cried. I was in the exact same circumstance just 9 months prior with Owen, except now I was mourning my twins as well.
It's now just over 3 months since birthing the twins and I still don't know how I'm alive. The incision on my uterus (classic/verticle) means I likely have to wait 12 to 18 months before becoming pregnant again. So I'm just existing at the moment. I have little hope and I feel so broken and lost. I don't know why I haven't been able to just have that last child and instead I am a mum of four, with only one child that breathes. We have a "reflections" meeting with the hospital soon where I will learn a lot more about why things happened the way they did and what can be expected for future pregnancies, but I know I need to heal a lot more before I can even ponder another pregnancy.
I've started an instagram page called specific to physical and emotional recovery for bereaved mums as a way to give purpose, I donated my breastmilk, 6.8L of it, to Lifeblood Milk Bank and I make a lot of baby blankets and clothes for Red Nose/Sands. But I'm not okay, and I don't know if I'll ever be. Trying to "finish" my little family has been so much physical and emotional pain.
I truly wish no one has to experience what we have, but I know there are families out there existing in grief just like this as well. I wish it wasn't this way.
