It's ok that you're not ok

"Feeling like you'd rather not wake up in the morning is normal in grief, and it doesn't make you suicidal. Not wanting to be alive is not the same as wanting to be dead... Inside intense grief,sometimes you do not care one bit whether you live or die. Not because you are actively suicidal, but because you simply do not care" M.Devine

I first read Megan’s book about 2months after we lost Ada. I’ve always loved to read but had been unable to pick up a book till then. I read it in two days. It was the first time I felt the depth of my pain was acknowledged and validated.

Until this time I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. I now know that a lot of people feel this way in deep grief, especially following a blindsiding loss.

I couldn’t sleep, had no appetite, suffered from confusion and brain fog… my entire nervous system was in a complete state of dis-regulation. I cycled from feelings of intense despair, panic and terror, through to this vacant state of emptiness where I felt numb and void, detached from everyone and everything.

Waking up each morning a wave of hopelessness would wash over me. I felt insulted at myself, for having endured another night, of still being here when my daughter was not. I just wanted it to stop. I couldn’t come up for air. It was an all-consuming, exhausting, and unbearable pain.

My attempts to explain this feeling only caused my husband and family to worry about my mental health more than they already were. I was worried myself.

When I first read this passage, I cried. They were tears of relief. Of truly feeling seen in my grief, even if that was only by myself.

It’s Ok If You’re Not Ok by Megan Devine @refugeingrief- It’s truly an early grievers bible.